Step Confidently Into Conflict

I finished delivering two weeks of performance management training and the concept that grabbed my learners the most was the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Model. It was 2/3rds of the way through the day, post-lunch, so it should have been the most sleepy topic...but everyone perked up and started asking really good questions.

What's the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Model, you ask?

How funny, I'm going to tell you.

The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Model describes five approaches to conflict resolution – competing, collaborating, compromising, avoiding, and accommodating – based on the level of assertiveness and cooperativeness used to address the conflict.

The X-axis is a spectrum of Less Cooperative (all about me and what I want) to More Cooperative (your needs matter a lot, maybe even more than mine).

The Y-axis spans Less Assertive (I will bend, sir) to More Assertive (you bend to me, fool).

Putting these two axis against each other produces the five flavors of conflict. Each flavor has its own strengths and situations that are best handled in that style:

• Competing (Less Cooperative, More Assertive): Let's do what I say. I am the decisionmaker, for reasons.
  • Competing Style is best for: Quick decisionmaking when you clearly have more power. Black and white high risk time-sensitive scenarios (following safety procedures, for example).
• Collaborating (More Cooperative, More Assertive): Let's find a win for everyone. We both are seeking a win that fully satisifies what we both want.
  • Collaborative Style is best for: Complex and important conflicts when the participants have the time and resources to find a mutually beneficial solution.
• Accommodating (More Cooperative, Less Assertive): Let's solve this your way. I'll let you make the final decision.
  • Accommodating Style is best for: The relationship matters most. You walking away with everything you want benefits me (for today).
• Avoiding: (Less Cooperative, Less Assertive): Let's just not. This doesn't need a conflict.
  • Avoiding Style is best for: Issues that are not "the hill worth dying on." It's a trivial issue or you have no power to really change the situation (like internal politics).
• Compromising (Somwhere in the middle of Cooperative and Assertive): Let's meet in the middle. A good enough solution is the best solution for today.
  • Compromising Style is best for: When you wish you had the time and resources for a Collaborative win but you don't. We need a temporary solution today with our limited resources we have so we all can move forward.

Ok, you get the idea.

So what?

A lot of us tend to lean into one conflict style based on our upbringing, our confidence, our circumstances, etc. When you're at a small business, you may not have a role model showcasing different conflict resolution approaches, so the organization will tend to adopt the conflict resolution style of the most important person, probably the CEO.

BUT, you know the adage about hammers thinking everyone's a nail.

A small team that tries to solve every conflict with one approach ain't gonna be the most effective...and there are clear downsides if you consistently use the wrong style:

• Always solve conflicts with Competing? Nobody will question the most important person in the room.
• Always solve conflicts with Collaborating? Analysis paralysis and a taboo against hurting people's feelings.
• Always solve conflicts with Accommodating? Decisions are always open to renegotiation.
• Always solve conflicts with Avoiding? Leadership vacuum.
• Always solve conflicts with Compromising? Mealy-mouthed decisions that never stand firm and nobody is ever happy with the results.

The first step for small organizations looking to diversify how they handle conflict is to look back on past decisions and analyze them. It's a lot less threatening to bring people together and identify what went well and what didn't go so well for something in the past than challenge the status quo without evidence or data.

It's also easier to justify change with the statement, "We all want to improve. Let's spend an hour looking back on a very important decision and see if we can find ways to get better outcomes from the next one."

I'd love to hear what style you think your team/organization tends to choose. Is there a "my way or the highway" mentality (Competing)? Do you find yourself having to get everyone's blessing to make a decision (Collaborating)? Do decisions get punted around (Accommodating)? Do people avoid the tough conversations and focus on superficial solves (Avoiding)? Or do most decisions devolve into a math problem around everyone getting just enough (Compromising)?

Vote in the poll below!

A TL;DR from the CRO

My conflict resolution style is the one that gets me the most belly rubs- unfortunately, it's a lot more Competing than I'd like.

-Roman Noodles, Chief Ruff Officer

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I'm a pretty big Brandon Sanderson fan. It started a few years ago when my sister-in-law loaned me her copy of The Way of Kings and I fell in love with the worldbuilding, magic systems, and gripping plot. On my honeymoon, I started and finished the three-book Wax and Wayne arc of Mistborn. I also bought into his Kickstarter in 2023 that became the most successful Kickstarter of all time.​

So yeah, I like his books.

Over the past two weeks on my work trips, I finished his most recent novel, Wind and Truth. It's the most fantasy-esque book I've read since Lord of the Rings: magic, adventure, mystical technologies, gods, and larger-than-life action scenes. It was so good. I'd jump Adolin's bones any day.

Now that I'm coming down from that thousand-page high, I'm open to some suggestions of the next epic fantasy novels I should read on airplanes. Let me know your favorite fantasy series!

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Journey before destination,

Dan from Learn to Scale​

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